To talk or not to talk, that is the question when in the midst of an argument with your loved one. If you ask 99% of men, they will say "don't talk." Most of the time, when fighting with that complex other gender, continuing to talk and talk about an issue will only make them less receptive. However, most women will frustratedly say "...but I want to work it out!". I stumbled across this article on Oprah's site and it gives some good insight as to why that phenomenon is, and how to make everyone happy in the end. (The article, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, by Barbara Graham, is focused on marriage, but it works with any relationship!)
Truth be told, it is in fact the male species who has a little bit of a leg up in this situation. From the time we are infants, boys and girls react quite differently to stressful situations. Boys immediately have the "flight or fight" response, while girls want to "mend and befriend" and make everything all better. It makes sense then why now, we want to talk it out and the guys just want to go to the other room.
According to Barbara Graham, discussion of one's relationship foibles could be the fastest way to tear down communication walls. So what are we supposed to do? Mime? Play charades?
"Everyone—men, women, myself included—needs to learn that before we can communicate with words, we need to connect nonverbally. We can do that in simple ways, through touch, sex, doing things together. The deepest moments of intimacy occur when you're not talking," states the article.
Stosny, a researcher on male aggression, puts it this way: "We need to stop trying to assess the bonding verbally and instead let the words come out of the bonding." Pat Love, his colleague says,
Stosny, a researcher on male aggression, puts it this way: "We need to stop trying to assess the bonding verbally and instead let the words come out of the bonding." Pat Love, his colleague says,
"When couples feel connected, men want to talk more and women need to talk less, so they meet somewhere in the middle."
As far as those really trying times, the pair suggests using a hand-signal or some other non-verbal gesture when you want to stop talking and put the issue on the table. That will show your partner you don't want to fight anymore. "This doesn't mean they should try to ignore their feelings, but instead find a way to convey that the other person matters more than whatever they're resentful or anxious about—and then talk."
So the next time it seems as though neither of you is getting your point across, take some cues from the pros and just shut your pie hole.
xo,
L
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